Which person

(Eng) Which person are you becoming?

Shame on me! Last time i have posted something was 8-15. More than 40 days with nothing. What kind of failure i am in? Is this the person i want to be? Is this the person i am? Is this the one i will become? I have written some parts on napkins to be secure. I have written some hard stuff and thrown them. I can not post my all feelings and situations. They are bad, not just to me, from me, but also to life. I don't want being in this kins of situations again. I will save myself, i have no solution yet but i may find a away to get rid of shit people and find my qualified fiends again. Today's topic was habits and the person we want to become. It is so clear. And it is the thing makes me write. I have to be a person understand his feelings and others, understands life concepts and apply good principles on journey. As i see i have to develop habits beside social skills.

• First of all, i have to write. Everyday. It helps a lot to understand whole. Almost anything will be easier when we write it down. I have to develop a writing habit. I already have one but it is not stable. Like my character. Surviving in waves. And losing shore and path regularly.
• Secondly, i have to progress in m proffession. I have to read and code everyday. I do that, i like it more than anything.
• Then, i have to develop my body with gym, running, tennis and swimming. I don't need more sports then these. Gym is going fine, i visit almost three times in a week. Tennis is once in a week for now. But there is no swimming. I need to register to pool later. Running is not here yet, i lost it.
• And my weakest point, social life. I have to put some effort to build a life. Which i have never reeached to a level i want. I need to read books loud. I will join dancing clubs. I will join running clubs. I will join volunteering organizations.
• Yesterday i was listening someone(Mahmut) from red pill. Who has great knowledge and deep understanding of life. He said if you want to control everything you have to be alone. Otherwise in relationship with people you will lose some freedom and control. The poeple you add your life will add a factor of uncertainty. He just hit it. I experinced that and run away from it to get whole control of life. In the beginning of university i was among poeple who has connection with everybody. Then i felt i like i give a lot and there is nothing remaining for me. I disparted myself to get more control and more freedom. I Reached a point i am totally free. I am still there, freedom and control is so nice and hard to give up. But like termodynamics and physics there is a tradeoff freedom and control. I have to get a balance in my life. I have to trade my freedom and control with some joy and connection. This is an important part of life i sacrified totally for a long time. And as a famous quote(feel like from Shophenhauer) says life is like pendellum. When you lack you feel bad for not having, when you reach it you get bored of it. And know the most i lack is the social one, the most i am looking for is this one. The feeling is because of lackness, maybe because of importance but i don't think. Whatever you lack, it gets the most important one you think, you suffer, it stress you out.