Need to write

(Eng) Need to write

Again, here. Hitting some problems, out of order, out of life, out of progress. This year was the year I beat all problems of last year. I was doing great, or feeling like that. I think it was super happy, motivated, consistent with the purpose and progress. I did some.

Probably I am still doing okay, I am still able to deliver some progress and complete tasks. But something is hitting me again and again, almost every day. Like a feeling of being lost, being disconnected, getting disappear, fading inspite of workout and forcing myself to be something.

Not just mind, joy and hope; even body is leaving me behind, alone. Body is not coming with me. Probably I forced him a lot during all this struggle. I didn't let it rest, but there was no option like this. There was no safe place, no same time. And still there is not. Safety is too far, and my body is already running on the limits. Like my storage of hope, joy, energy. It is not that much to help me run that long.

Last saturday, I had one of the worst runnings of my life. Maybe the slowest, the most disappointing with pain and struggle despite of trainings. I don't know the solution. I have nobody to ask for it. Will keep running, with more pain, with more solitude, with more tears. When you it a long run, it gets heavier in each mile, in each step. Going further brings more pain, more harm, more slower steps, more struggling brain. In a race there is a hope of finish line. You know there is a finish line. You know life is easier after, there is resting after. But here now, I know there should be better days to stop and rest. But it is not on horizon yet. I don't see it yet. Still running, on the edge of..

If I collapse one day, please remember that I tried.

And remember that there are tough lives you silly boy. If you find me living this life, I will live it for all people suffered more than me. I respect pain!