Late comings

(Eng) Late comings

I was thinking all life, like foreer. Thinking of what i miss, thinking of what is next, thinking od what is needed. Thinking and trying to find it. The piece will fix me, the thing will bring life. Did i ever get life? Who knows. Just trying to get one.

Some says i live, sometimes i also confirm that i live. But most of time, almost always i feel like i still didn't discover the mistake i am in. The true regret which i will discover and it will be too late. This is loneliness. You discover everything by yourself, and its generally too late.

With narrow, fixed mind i will digest same ideas, same approaches, same feelings again and again. Trying to find something which is propably out of my sight. I know it. It is out. And to find it i have think out of box. I have to escape this prison. To out naked, no cover, no mask. Let the truth come to you, let it hit you.

It may hurt, it may damage. Imagining a life without them? A life without life. Thats what i have i think. Wearing lots of masks to cover emptiness. The cold, dark loneliness. It is too cold here.

I spend 33 years in dictatorship, in diction, in prison of rational mind, in grasp of an overthinking brain. Most of time just thinking, more than thinking actually. Pure thinking. Now, I read a piece of paper from a random post. It says fool lives a life, while a thinker evaluates all options, simulates all paths and stays out. Not by choice, by fatique.

I am not able to move. This fatique is reaching deeper levels. Even hope is supressed by it. Like a devil sitting on top on my all desire, hope, joy, freedom. All has beaten up, lost. Escape is random life. Throwing yourself in a situation you will find yourself and start to think all possibilities. You will set it without permission, without confirmation. Just be in, just live, let the life you have decide for next. Not you, not your shit brain. Brain work is done. Time to say enough to that devil. Time to live. As it is, not as planned.