Care we lost

(Eng) Care we lost

The content is more heavy but I wanted to keep the header light. Don't want to hurt anyone, worry anyone. Because topic is the care, the mentorship i never had as regular people. I am learning everything by myself, missing a lot. Discovering them after years, decades. No body warned me for the ideas i have, for the habits, for the path, for the plans, and more importantly for the fears, insecurities, mistakes, failures, weaknesses I develop. Probably I am still in problem, i will end up with regret for most of them.

Maybe I can blame people, maybe I should. I already did blame them, still do. But lately discovered that they were not able to deliver anything in most cases. People are all in problem, their own issues, weaknesses are enough for them. Maybe it was impossible to get the care i need, there was no option, no resource, no awareness.

But I envy people with good development with support they received when they needed, when they didn't want, didn't like but able to get feedback update improve and adapt to life. In my case, I live with zero feedbacks, usually in my brain. Afraid of mistakes, insecure, not knowing how to handle a connection. Have no experience with people, can't look their eyes, can't show interest, becasue never got them. Never learned anything about it.

Even movies were not accesible, and I didn't know what is missing till i started watching movies this year. I am learning about people, about connection from movies. Couldn't get from books, youtube videos. Movies are the most close thing to life which i never lived. I would be a failure, maybe i am.

Encouraged myself to go out more, started running with people but couldn't get even one friend from there. Don't know how to start, where to start, never learned anything related. Only thing i had was books.

So rarely in my life i got feedbacks. In one of them, my tennis coach said I am to slow, couldn't join friends we play together. I was keeping myself unintentially because of insecurity and lack of experience, maybe.

In another, my teacher in language course warned me after class, said that i need to have friends. She was right, I agreed but didn't know how to do, what to do.

I am in throuble with that life, that emptiness. It will destroy me if i don't find anything to heal, to grow. I do care of body, skills but not enough. Social part is completely broken. It is eating from inside, nobody sees. From outside, they see a great, strong, knowledgeable, wise person. Okay i tried my best to improve myself. But it is getting empty inside. Brain will shrink, will start to show real results of that missing part: friends, family.

I started going movies, still alone but learning a lot from them about friendships, about connections, styles. I started to stop working at 6 and go out to see some parks, some festivals. Started to run with people wednesday. Started t join tennis class. Started to visit bookstore. All of them are fields I am comfortable and more than enough. But still couldn't shape myself and open. Still have old stiff, insecure, good boy style, afraid of poeple maybe.

And today I did something different, I want to park to watch some people dancing. Normally i was staying as a nerd and sitting. Today I got closer and tried to watch and enjoy with small moves without joining them. Because I started having some dansing lessons and discovered that people loves it. I can love dancing even if I am afraid of people, not people actually from the insecurity i carry.

I keep blaming insecurity but main problem is my growing, my character, not insecurity. I blocked, locked myself and nobody warned me for this mistate. Now trying to open by myself. It is hard, will take time but I feel like people likes me. As they did in past. I am probably a good person and will get some good friendships. I worked hard, day and night, studied, read, run hard.

The things i lost on the way will never come back. I lost myself. Trying to find again, if not trying to create a version of it can enjoy this life. Not survive. I spend all life as a survival. Still don't know most of the joys. Will try, will try to more to expose myself to people. Nobody will take me there by the hand. Nobody cares. I am with myself. With my biggest problem, with the biggest problem solver.